How to Be a Grammar Nerd and Still Have Friends

Let's face it—we can be annoying know-it-alls. Here are some guidelines for keeping the friends you got in spite of yourself.

If you are a grammar nerd like me, then you have learned to constantly repress the urge to correct your friends' grammar. On the internet grammar nerds are treated like the pests of the comment section—not trolls, but unwelcome just the same. In real life, I can testify that normal people do not enjoy series such as "Today's Grammar Fun Fact". Not cool and definitely not sexy, if that is what you are going for.

Elise's "Grammar Fun Fact" Face

“Grammar is a gift, and a curse.”

Just smile and nod

If your friend uses "ironic" instead of "coincidental" consider just smiling and nodding.

Keep it in perspective

If you get in the mindset of rhetorical grammar then it is much easier to brush off grammar errors that do not impede conversation. A linguistic approach also works, but can be challenging for some grammar nerds because of the lack of right and wrong.

Bite your tongue

Just hold your tongue. Die inside, but don't say anything when your friend overuses "apparently". Using your teeth to bite your tongue also works.

Close your eyes

If you cannot help but to roll your eyes, then it is best to close your eyes.

Bargaining

Haggle with your friends over which rules you are allowed to correct them on and which are banned. I suggest banning the literally/figuratively debate. They will never change.

Bartering

Offer a deal where you are allowed to correct your friends' grammar, but in return you have to copyedit something for them.

Compliments

Every time you correct a friend's grammar, soften the blow by using a compliment sandwich. "You look so pretty today. Please for the sake of my sanity stop using 'me' as a subject and 'I' as an object. You are a great storyteller."

Narrative

Make the correction into a narrative. If you give it a beginning-middle-end and a situation-complication-solution, you will leave your friends begging for more of your grammar error stories.

Author's notes

After conversations with your friends, write author's notes for them, but just save it as an email draft. They probably wouldn't read it anyway.

Curse

Explain to your friends that you correct their grammar because you are cursed to correct grammar for eternity. "Grammar is a gift, and a curse."

Pick your friends

Find friends with noticeable flaws. If they know you forgive their flaws, they are more likely to forgive yours. Arrangement only works if the annoying factor of each friend's flaws is equal.

Reward

Reward your friends with gold star stickers when they use difficult words correctly. If someone is able to get "that" versus "which", they deserve a gold star. Treats may also work, but that hypothesis has yet to be proven in a double-blind study.

Train

Clicker train yourself to resist correcting people. When you manage to let an "irregardless" slide, click and treat!

Author's Notes

After conversations with your friends, write author's notes for them and email it with the subject line "No offense".

Sleep Therapy

Make a sleep therapy tape and listen to it every night. "I am a strong, disciplined copyeditor. I do not need to correct my friend's grammar."

Pick your friends

Find utterly perfect friends with perfect grammar. They will think you are normal.

Sleep Therapy

Make sleep therapy tapes for your friends. "I am a strong, confident speaker. I do not need to use 'literally' when I mean 'figuratively'."

If all else fails

Find genuine friends who love you for who you are. Your best chances are probably in grammar class or in the writing handbook section of the library.